


Shrek/David Bowie AU: A Pirate's Dream

by shrek



Category: David Bowie (Musician), Shrek, Shrek Series, Shrekbowie - Fandom
Genre: David Bowie - Freeform, M/M, Pirates, Pirates AU, Shrek - Freeform, Shrek/David Bowie - Freeform, dream - Freeform, pirate, shrekbowie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-01
Updated: 2014-06-01
Packaged: 2018-01-27 21:57:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1723850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shrek/pseuds/shrek
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>David Bowie awakens in a strange place, but he finds a big, handsome, green ogre and Elton John.  Shrek is the Pirate Captain of his Pirate Ship. Yar Har Har And A Bottle Of Rum.. Yo ho ho.. A lot happens in this strange ficlet</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shrek/David Bowie AU: A Pirate's Dream

David Bowie, famous rockstar, was laying cozily in his bed. Everything was dark and quiet in his bedroom, until suddenly he was hit with a bright light and a loud sound. 

"YAR HAR HAR AND A BOTTLE OF RUM, YAR HAR HAR AND A BOTTLE OF RUM, YAR HAR HAR AND A BOTTLE OF RUM" David Bowie heard many, possibly hundreds, of voices chanting in unison. They sounded like pirates. He opened his eyes and furrowed his brow. He looked around. Somehow, he and his bed had appeared smack dab in the middle of a huge pirate ship. One pirate, a big, bald, green figure with pointy ears noticed David. He ran over to him and held a sword to David's neck. "Yar har har and a bottle of rum?!" he asked Mr. Bowie. 

David Bowie was confused. He gulped and replied "Uh.. Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum?" with an accent unmistakably different from the other pirate voices. The big, green man's eyes grew wide and he could not have looked more offended by David's remark. David thought he was dead, for certain, but instead he was whisked away into some sort of pirate interrogation room. He expected to have to walk to plank. He didn't even know pirates had police-style interrogation rooms on their ships. 

David sat handcuffed in the interrogation room. The green man from before busted into the room and shouted "YARRR!!" in David's face, getting saliva and bits of onion all over him. David was kind of turned on by this. 

"What?" was all David could muster. 

"WHAT ARE YE DOIN ON MA SHIP?!" the big green guy yelled. 

"Who are you?" David Bowie asked his captor. 

"Uh... Shrek." Shrek replied. "AND HOW DID YA GET HERE?" the big green guy shouted, his apparent anger returning. 

"..What are you?" David asked. 

Shrek slapped David across the face. "I'M AN OGRE!! ANSWER MA QUESTION OR WALK THE PLANK!" Shrek shouted with an accent that sounded part stereotypical pirate, and part Scottish. 

"I don't know." David responded. Shrek was so angry with this response that he hit David Bowie on the head with a bottle of rum. David became unconscious. 

\------

When David awoke, he was in the ship's dungeon with another man, the both of them chained to the wall of the boat. The other man was dressed rather flamboyantly; he wore a red feather boa, pink tinted glasses, and an all-white suit with oversized lapels.   
  
"Pssst.." the other man spoke, "The name's Elton." he said softly. "ELTON BLOODY JOHN! DO YA HEAR ME? I'M ELTON JOHN! FAMOUS ROCK N ROLL STAR" he shouted at David, spit flying onto Bowie's face. David was disgusted. 

"I get it!" he looked across the room and saw a grand piano. "How did you..." he began, before Elton interrupted. 

"I'M ELTON BLOODY JOHN! I WAS JUST PLAYIN ME PIANO AND DOIN ME ELTON THING WHEN ALL OF THE SUDDEN, BAM, I'M ON A PIRATE SHIP!" Elton shouted, even though David was mere inches away from him. "I DUNNO HOW I GOT HERE!" 

"Me neither" David said. 

"WELL OF COURSE YOU BLOODY DON'T KNOW HOW I GOT HERE! WE'VE ONLY JUST MET, SILLY." Elton John yelled with a chuckle. 

David Bowie sighed to himself. 

\----------

Shrek was in his office, blissfully chomping away at an onion and sitting in his chair. "Captain's log," he began with a stronger pirate accent than usual, "today me ship received two strange intruders." Shrek paused. "I'm not sure what to do with them, yet. Shrek out." Shrek spun around in his chair and threw the remnants of his onion out the window. A pirate outside the Captain's office was yawning when the onion core landed in his mouth, choking him to death. Shrek farted and left the room. 

Shrek's fart went through the vent of his office into the ship's dungeon. Elton John had been singing loudly, when suddenly he choked on the stench. David Bowie wondered where the heavenly aroma had originated. He was so strongly attracted to the scent, that he flew nose-first out of the dungeon, breaking the chains that had bound him. 

David's flying was abruptly stopped when he crashed into Shrek's huge green ass. He was stuck between Shrek's asscheeks. "WHAT WAS THAT?" Shrek shouted. He launched David out of his anus. 

David Bowie could not have been more embarrassed. He thought he was a goner, for sure. To his surprise, however, Shrek was not angry. In fact, he appeared aroused. 

"Come with me," Shrek said seductively to David, "Since ya can't stay bound in the dungeon, I'm gonna have ta handcuff ya in me bedroom. Come on." Shrek grabbed David and carried him into his sleeping quarters. He could feel David becoming as hard as a boulder. David was entirely too excited. 

Shrek handcuffed David Bowie to his bed and then left him. "AND STAY PUT, YA WEIRDO! I've got to find a way to send ya back where ya came from!" Shrek walked out of the room. 

David was confused but still as hard as a boulder. A very nice boulder. "I bet he has a big, crisp, juicy, green pickle. I want it inside me.." David muttered to himself. Elton John was in the floor directly below him, and could hear and see David through a floor vent. Elton looked horrified, and he was. 

\-------

On the outside deck, the crew was still chanting "YAR HAR HAR AND A BOTTLE OF RUM". 

"STOP CHANTIN' AND GET TA WORK!!" Shrek screamed. "YA HEARD ME! DO IT OR WALK THA PLANK!" Shrek stabbed his sword through the floor, nearly stabbing Elton John. 

Elton soiled his diaper. He couldn't take any more of this. He began to sing the chorus of The Beatles' "Help", and then proceeded to tap his shoes together and hysterically shout "THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME!" until he began to fall asleep. 

Shrek went back to his sleep chambers. "Listen, whoever ya are" 

"It's David. David Bowie." David Bowie interrupted. 

Shrek felt his temper rising, "DON'T INTERRUPT ME!!!" he roared. 

David looked at Shrek apologetically, and somehow Shrek seemed to calm down. 

Shrek breathed like a beast; a wild animal; a tiger; an ape. David was aroused. Shrek got out his Survivor "Eye Of The Tiger" record and put it on his turntable. Fortunately, his turntable had a 'repeat' feature, which he utilized. He wanted to play this song on an indefinite continuous loop. Shrek began to strip to the song. He lip synced dramatically while revealing more and more of his lingerie. Shrek bent over, shoving his gigantic wrinkly green ass into David's face. David Bowie could suffocate in that ass, and he nearly did. Shrek stepped into his stiletto high heeled shoes. He strutted away from David, clad in fishnet stockings, a pink lacy bra and matching pink satiny underpants. He started twerking towards David. David thought he was going to be crushed by those big green buttocks, but halfway towards David, Shrek stopped twerking and began breakdancing. David Bowie was still handcuffed to the bed. 6 hours later, Shrek was still breakdancing. 

\--------

In the dungeon, a small man appeared. He was wearing all red. He was really small. It was Lord Farquaad, Shrek's enemy. "I'm here to free you from the chains that bind you!" Lord Farquaad said with an evil chuckle. Elton John didn't care, at this point, he just wanted to go back home. Lord Farquaad let Elton John out of his chains and Elton ran to his piano. He played a tune he thought might send him back to where he belongs. Shrek froze in his position as he heard the piano from below. He did a cannonball-style jump onto the floor and broke through the floorboard, directly onto Elton's piano bench just as it was disappearing to another world.

David was still handcuffed to the bed. "Damn it!" he shouted to himself. He tried to free himself, but it was no use. He was stuck there. He caught a glimpse of Lord Farquaad laughing and running away. He sighed. 

David Bowie thought he was going to be stuck to the bed for all eternity, when a pirate entered the room. It was a stereotypical-appearing pirate.    
"Yar har har and a bottle of rum?" the pirate asked David. 

David panicked. "Uh.. Yo ho ho..?" he said coyly. 

The pirate became angry and held his knife against David's throat. "YO HO?!" He uncuffed David Bowie and dragged him out onto the bow of the ship. "WALK THA PLANK!" the pirate commanded. David had no choice but to oblige. His bed was gone. 

David Bowie walked to the edge of the plank. He looked back behind him at the ship and a single tear rolled down his cheek. "I'll miss that big green ogre.." he thought. The pirate grew impatient and pushed David Bowie off the ship. David landed in the water with a big splash. 

\-----

David Bowie woke up in his bedroom again, in his bed. "What a wacky nightmare!" he said aloud. He noticed he was soaking wet, and his clothes were torn. With a puzzled expression, he headed out of his room towards the bathroom. "How...?" he said as he examined himself in the mirror. This was all too much for David Bowie to handle. It was like an episode of The X-Files, for crying out loud! He just went back to his bed and went to sleep again. He'd sort this out in the morning. 


End file.
